Saturday, May 01, 2004

Wallet Chains?

I am very secure in my old fartness. Some were born old farts and some have old fartness thrust upon them. I have the pleasure of attaining old fartdom at a relatively young age AND to look forward to many years of future strengthening of my old fartititude. Part of the territory that comes with old fartocity is questioning things that old farts don't do. For instance, old farts don't have wallet chains. Old farts don't understand why you would advertise the fact that you are very worried about your money. If you are super worried about your money, then that means that money is pretty precious to you. That must mean that money is hard to come by. That must mean you are not very smart or don't work.

Additionally, having a wallet chain also means that you feel you can't stop your wallet from getting taken away from you - as if you could not protect the wallet without its little safety chain. Now that means that you are afraid that you can't put up too much of a fight and need the extra protection.

We are left with the facts that wearing a wallet chain means that the wearer is dumb, lazy, cowardly, weak and is wallowing in a big fat tub of insecurity. Is that really what they are trying to get across? If so, I would expect other accoutrements would be a bulletproof vest, a Kevlar helmet, a gas mask, goggles, and a bazooka. But no, I rarely see that combination with the wallet chain. Instead, I usually see the wallet chain wearer in a dirty pair of jeans, beat up leather boots, a scrungy T-shirt or leather jacket and sideburns meticulously fashioned after Bowzer's chops from Sha-na-na. Do they think that the wallet chain connotates "toughness" as the rest of the wardrobe aspires to? If they wish to exude toughness, then perhaps they should walk around with $50 bills coming out "just so" out of their pockets. Now if the guy was really tough, those $50 bills would be there until the clothes get washed, i.e. essentially forever. However, if the guy was really not so tough, then those $50 bills will need the protection of a wallet chain. It stands to reason then, that the wallet chain is just a very touching show of vulnerability - like embroidered pink bunnies on their studded belt.

So from now on, I will give the wearers of wallet chains a sympathetic visage. They may be meek, they may be weak, but gosh darn it all, they are trying to do their best with what they've got. And that's all anyone can really ask, isn't it?


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