Monday, May 17, 2004

Shadow Cabinet

One of the things I liked about Great Britain was that the opposition party has a shadow cabinet which mirrors the one in power. For instance, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Treasury) has a counterpart in the party not in power - he actually can't do anything, but he bones up on everything associated with the position and criticizes from a very informed point of view.

In this spirit, I would like to propose my shadow cabinet for the present US administration (present holders in parentheses):

For National Security Advisor (Condoleeza Rice): Anne Rice. Now wouldn't you rather have somebody who can call on vampires to do the really dirty work? And she wouldn't behave like a hooty-tooty honors student who gets an A+ on every paper but misses out on what education (and life) is all about - Anne Rice would ferret out where all the bad guys were (and who their 15th century ancestors were to boot!)

For Secretary of Defense (Donald Rumsfeld): Captain Morgan of spiced rum fame. Now with all this torture and ill-prepared troops stuff, we need somebody who can rattle a real saber and make the bad troops walk the plank. Also, with The Donald's famous browbeating micromanagement tendencies we need somebody who can get the big picture and still have a good time.

For Secretary of Labor (Elaine Chao): Elaine Benes. If there is anybody who has a unique perspective on the labor situation in America, it is Elaine Benes. Her resourcefulness while being incompetent would be an apt choice for the leader of our labor unions.

For Attorney General (John Ashcroft): Lara Croft. After years of Ashcroft foisting his Rapture and raising-the-dead fundamentalist "justice" on the American people, we'll need a real Tomb Raider to discover where the bodies of American Justice are buried.

For Department of Homeland Security (Tom Ridge): The Oak Ridge Boys: They come from the birthplace of the Atomic Bomb, Oak Ridge, Tennessee. While nobody can really tell what Tom Ridge has done, other than spend a lot of money and de-unionize a lot of government employees, the Oak Ridge boys can at least harmonize while giving us the Orange Alert.

For Vice President (Richard Cheney): Chain Letters: One of the hallmarks of a chain letter is the promise of a phenomenal return on a small effort. With the present Vice President, Halliburton, Enron, and a score of other companies had phenomenal returns through the small efforts of Dick Cheney. We propose to turn that around and have the office of Vice President returned to its historically ineffectual state by replacing Cheney with a system of chain letters.

For Secretary of the Interior (Gale Norton): Ed Norton. Who better than a New York City sanitation worker to fix up the mess that has been made of the environment under the present administration?


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