Friday, April 23, 2004

Glade Runner

News reports today relate the story of a cat lost in Florida who surfaced in California seven years later. Mainstream media has only reported on the feel-good, wacky aspects of the story. However, here at jimblogjim we can give you the untold story of "Cheyenne". Here is the transcript of an exclusive interview with "Catty", the name he prefers to be known by.

jimblogjim[JBJ]: I think our readers would like to know a little bit about your history. Please describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
Catty[C]: My mother?
JBJ: Yeah.
C: Let me tell you about my mother...WHOA [swipes at reporter] get that spray bottle away from me!
JBJ: Alright, alright, nice kitty, enough about your family. So, tell me, why did you leave Florida seven years ago?
C: I wanted more life, fucker.
JBJ: Hey boy, calm down. What was so bad about life there?
C: Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.
JBJ: Wait a minute, your former owner, Pamela Edwards, says she treated you very well. Here is her quote "I have had cats walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming."
C: Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch!
JBJ: Explain.
C: Her idea of "charming" was putting me into these so-called "cute" costumes. For instance, the one that drove me away was this babies get-up with a bonnet and this fucking rattle around my collar. I could never get my back leg up to scratch my ear!
JBJ: So you jumped on a grapefruit truck that stopped in Arizona. You jump out and you're in a desert, walking along when you see a tortoise, Catty, it's walking toward you.
C: What's a tortoise?
JBJ: You know what a turtle is?
C: 'Course
JBJ: Same thing
C: I've never seen a turtle. But I understand what you mean.
JBJ: So you reach down and flip the tortoise over on its back, Catty.
C: Do you make up these questions, jimblogjim? Or did you get them from some website?
JBJ: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.
C: What do you mean I'm not helping?
JBJ: I mean you're not helping! Why is that, Catty?
C: Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life, anybody's life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die. And then I ate him.
JBJ: You ate him?
C: Hey, I'm a cat, a carnivore. I ate him. Kinda stringy. Didn't taste like chicken at all.
JBJ: So tell us about the journey from Arizona to California, you must have had some incredible experiences.
C: Gosh, you've... really got some nice toys here.
JBJ: Over here kitty, over here! Good boy, now can you tell us about your journey? What did it take to survive in the deserts and mountains?
C: I've done ... questionable things.
JBJ: Also extraordinary things ... Revel in your time. This is riveting, Catty, what else can you tell us?
C: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack dogs on fire off the shoulder of Ventura Highway. I watched kitty toys glitter in the dark near the Golden Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.
JBJ: Oh hey, you've got 7 or 8 lives left yet - don't be such a downer! What's next up for the Catty? Are you looking forward to seeing your old master?
C: What if I go north? Disappear. Would you come after me? Hunt me?
JBJ: No. No, I wouldn't. I owe you one.

...but somebody would.

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