Thursday, April 01, 2004

Dear Mr. Impudent

Dear Mr. Impudent,
My husband has a stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She is 15, and let's call her "Stacy." Stacy is welcome in our home whenever she wishes. However, Stacy dresses "over the top," for lack of better words. She will not wear an outfit unless her bust is busting out and over, even in the dead of winter. She parades around our home, in front of my children, thrusting her bust out. Even her PJs are tight. Also, she is rather large for her age. I am not a prude, please pardon the pun, but I do not want my children to be exposed to this. My husband tells me that IF he tells her to change her attire or bring different clothing along, Stacy will not want to come to visit. Excuse me? I have been firm with him and told him that Stacy may visit us anytime, but she must cover up. My husband and I have a continual fight about this. What can I do?

—Not Busting With Laughter

Dear !Busting,
Your stepdaughter is communicating with you and you are not listening or communicating back. In order to open the air about the situation, please try to engage her in her attempts to reach out. When you see her breasts pushed up out of a string halter top, she really wants you to notice them and it appears that you are not giving her the proper reciprocal attention. I would suggest something like "Hell ya, if I had those young things I'd show 'em too!" or "I can't quite see your nipples, is that intentional?"

Additionally, try to engage your family to communicate as well. Your husband should don a Speedo swimsuit when your stepdaughter comes over and you yourself might show off some of your lingerie. Mr. Impudent always says, the family that hangs out together, hangs together.

-Mr. Impudent, proudly.

Dear Mr. Impudent,
I'm 23 years old and am (was?) engaged to a wonderful 24-year-old man. He's met my family—they loved him. His family doesn't really like me, but they've adapted. Here's my problem—I came home from class on Monday (I'm in college; he works full time), and he was gone. Left his debit card, cell phone, and keys to the apartment on the table and just left—no note or anything. We hadn't been fighting, haven't had more than the normal amount of stress, nothing unusual. He just left. It's now four days later, and I still haven't heard anything from him. He's still wearing the ring I gave him, so far as I know. He usually refers to me to the guys at work as his wife. This is really breaking my heart. I'm wondering when do I quit waiting for a phone call, take off the engagement ring, and call it quits?

—Tormented

Dear Mented,
Your fiance is gone walkabout. Right now he is cavorting in Las Vegas in a desperate grab at the dwindling life of freedom that is about to be forever from his grasp. The memories of the threesomes in the bridal suite, the drugs on the hotel glass table, the bottles of Johnny Walker and the all night blackjack are going to get him through the decades of diapers, shopping, TV, mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. Those little bits of inattentive musing and suppressed smiles on his face in the years to come are withdrawals from the deposits that he is making right now. If you want your future husband to be safely ignorant of the examined life that would drag you and your family into existential despair, please welcome him back with sweetness when he comes back home. Your future white picket fence awaits you!

-Mr. Impudent, blue velvetly

Dear Mr. Impudent,
Three years ago my family was shattered by the death of our dad. He was very young, and he and mom had been married over 30 years. Since his death, mom has stopped being involved in our lives and spends all her time with "John" (who just happens to be in his early 30s, one year older than I). My siblings can barely tolerate him, and I try to look beyond the age thing. Mom is 54, and I'm glad she's not alone, but I could live without the Demi Moore situation. My question is this: How can I try to get my mom more involved in the lives of her grandchildren? There are only two of them. She rarely sees any of us, calling only to brag about how much better her life is now. (Our dad was ill for several years, and she was his caretaker.) She tells us that she thinks that she and John are better than she and dad ever were, and this really grates on me. Also, she is fine with things when they are going her way or she needs to borrow something (which she trashes completely or fails to return). As I said, she rarely sees us, and when she does, all she can do is twirl in circles and brag about how great she is and how wonderful she looks. Maybe my question is not how can I get her more involved, but how can we get her back to being Mom and not a 54-year-old adolescent with a big bank account and no responsibilities?

—Crestfallen

Dear Fallen,
Would you want a life of grandchildren and meddling grown children when you got a boy toy? I thought not. Your mother has won the lottery and you have jealous sour grapes. Your "for the grandchildren" plea is transparent. In your subconscious you couldn't care less about that, rather you want a granny living only for two little brats that just happen to be yours. Hmmm....sound a little bit regressively Freudian? You would be well advised to take a look at your safe little life and learn from your mother - the ambassador who is telling you: "Live all you can, it's a mistake not to."

-Mr. Impudent, Stretherly

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