Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Sometimes a Doughnut is Not a Donut

Before we get started today, let's get this out of the way. I subscribe to Gourmet magazine. I am not a gourmet or even a very good cook, but I follow recipes very well and usually things come out edible. I got the magazine because it was the only thing in which I was interested when a friend's child had a magazine subscription fundraiser. Modern Quilter and the two-syllable men's magazines (MAXIM! DETAILS! LUGNUT!) were considered but didn't make the cut.

This month's issue of Gourmet had a letter to the editor which I shall share in its entirety. When reading it, my extrasensory perception allowed me to know what the writer wanted to write but did not. These perceptions are in the footnotes:

I have often pleased my family and dinner guests with food based on your magazine's recipes.1 And coming from an Austrian, this should be considered a compliment.2 However, in your article about Austrian doughnuts ("Kitchen Notebook"), you have made a quite big faux pas.3 I can assure you, and Lillian Langseth-Christensen should have known, that to fill an Austrian Faschingskrapfen with raspberry or strawberry jam borders almost on insult.4 We would never eat such a thing.5 The classic approach to this wonderful delicacy, eaten only between January 1 and the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday, is to fill it with apricot jam.6
1. Sometimes when I read your magazine I am reminded of culinary masterpieces that I have created from just reading your list of ingredients. Of course I don't need *your* recipes, my genius allows me to whip up fantastic dishes just based on your meagre attempts.
2. This shall be considered a compliment. You shall lick my boots clean. You vill consider this a privilege.
3. You like my whip? Are you afraid of my whip? Are you going to be gut Jungen und M├Ądchen? Vill vee zee any more of zese, how you zay, "faux pas?"
4. Charles V invaded Italy in 1527 because Faschingskrapfen were being made with plums. Do you think your puny magazine can withstand Austria!
5 Ah, but you vill eat such a thing. Kneel down before me! Schnell! Schnell! Ja, Ja, das ist besser, yum, yum, yum, you Schweinhund!
6 Ach so, meine Liebe once gave me a Faschingskrapfen on Christmas. Unlike the pastry, his screams were a vunderful delicacy. I enjoy listening to the tape every Advent season.

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