Thursday, February 19, 2004

A Modest Proposal

It is a melancholy object to those who live in this great country, when they see the newspapers crowded with tales of the female sex importuning allegations about our proud athletic men on our collegiate gridirons. These women, instead of being quiet about their honest privileges are forced to employ all their wiles in crafting lurid stories about their sad plight.

I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of accusing women is in the present deplorable state of the country a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these women sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. Some will have you litigate against the very men who give us meaning. Others will have you do away with vigourous athletic competition at any cost! It is true that a girl just 18 years old is very desirable to almost all members of the stronger sex. It is also certainly true that these young women are in need of food and raiment while enjoined in the furtherance of their education. I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or their parish, they shall on the contrary contribute to the comfort of the many thousands of virile young men.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent these salacious allegations we are inundated with at present, and that horrid practice of gentlemen abasing themselves by requesting intercourse and if not met with appropriate affirmations, then satisfying their appetites with any means at hand. I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of young women in a great collegiate town is usually reckoned ten thousands, of these I calculate five thousands to be of proper physical countenance. Of these some five thousands, I calculate two thousands to be of the manner of moral suasion suitable for my proposal.

I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowledgable man about town that there are "houses" wherein women parlay their considerable assets in suchwise transactions that are mutually beneficial to the grantor and receiver of their pleasures.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that the two thousand young women already computed in a typical collegiate town be offered to the men of quality and fortune on our Division I football and basketball organisations. For intimate services rendered to our competitive men of glory, these young charges will be entreated to education, board and raiments provided it does not interfere with appointments or rendezvous to be desired by their gentlemen.

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. For first, our best young men shall not fritter away their mental and physical energies on procuring the means to assuage their sexual appetites. Instead of gambling on their weekend nights of endeavouring for the "score", their time can be better spent by perforce scoring!

Secondly, with a very favourable ratio of men to women in my plan, our fighting men shall not have to adventure outside the confines of the dormitory or the playing field. This should be met with a resounding Huzzah! by the townsmen of our university hamlets. Petty crime and other unfortunate circumstances resulting from the necessarily high testosterone levels of our athletes will be at a minimum I daresay.

Thirdly, the considerable expense parlayed by our athletic departments in litigating, paying off or slandering the "victims" of our present predicament is assuredly much more than the costs of this proposal. One could surmise that the savings in mental anguish on all sides is enough of a salutory reason.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging our collegiate Presidents.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our football trade and providing for our young women. I have no hope of profiting as I am neither of the college age or qualified for playing any major sports. Additionally, I do not have a daughter nor have plans to produce one.

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